I've begun to wonder if I am always going to let the way my father looks at me break my spirit. Will I always feel the pain in my heart when he tells me I will never accomplish anything? Will I have to fight back tears every time he rolls his eyes when I talk about my writing? It's getting so hard to keep doing what I love when I realize I have no support from my family. They all look at me like I'm wasting my life because I'm almost 24 and still haven't published anything I've written. Am I the only person out there who feel like they need just one kind word in order to feel whole? Sometimes I just want to hit my dad for not having faith in me, and sometimes I just want to lock myself away and cry all of my pain out.

Yes, I have my husband who is the most amazing guy in the world. He is supportive and loving and always tells me how much he believes in me. I wish that could be enough. If only I didn't have this heavy feeling in my heart that it doesn't matter because no matter how much I do or how much I succeed it will never be enough.

I don't even know if I really want to write this year for NaNo. Does it matter if I do?

Yeah, I guess it's been a crazy year. I can't believe I haven't updated my livejournal in 15 months. I do have a new blog though, it's entirely for my writing. I started a novel last November and I'm really hoping that this is the one, the big idea that is finally going to get me published. Of course, for this NaNo I'm just going to be reckless and silly because I need something reckless and silly in my life.

I know it's been awhile since I've blogged, but since I don't really have any followers anyway it didn't seem to be a big deal. Recently though I've just needed to write and I haven't been feeling good enough emotionally to work on something I care about. I just can't imagine ruining a story I've been working on with inadequate writing...

Ugh, like I previously mentioned I feel like crap. That is probably the biggest understatement of my life, but the pain (physical and emotional) is indescribable. I haven't slept in days and there is no pain killer on earth that can touch the tension headache I've had for months now. The worst thing is that I feel awful for dragging my husband through this. Jon is the most amazingly patient and caring person I know and this is killing him.

Oh, I know that he tries not to let me see how badly this hurts him, but at times I can see the pain in his eyes and it just makes me feel worse. If I could stop feeling this way I would, but the only doctor we can afford to see thinks I'm a head case and that I am hoarding the memories of some sexual abuse that I just won't come clean about. Yeah, screw him. I need a doctor who actually wants to help me, but right now it looks like I'm going to have to suffer through the pain and just hope it doesn't kill me.

Before everyone thinks that I am, in fact, a head case, let me assure you that this is a small part of my life. I am so insanely in love with my husband that everyday seems like a honeymoon. I couldn't have gotten more lucky in this area, Jon is the kind of guy that I don't deserve, but I thank God every night for. He never complains when he comes home from class and I'm curled up on the couch with my computer and CSI reruns on Spike TV. He is so damn understanding about everything, it makes me want to cry sometimes.

I have been writing a little bit lately. I recently wrote a challenge story for WT and I wasn't too disgusted with how it turned out. I guess I'm actually becoming a semi-coherent writer... took me long enough. Not to say that I'm the next JK Rowling or Stephenie Meyer, but I'm getting better. I'm working on a bunch of little ficlets for Twilight, hopefully I can help flesh out WT's Twilight section, it definitely needs a little bit of help.

I guess that's a large enough rant for one night. I'll take some Aleve, grab a good book and try to convince my body it needs to let me get just a few hours of sleep. Oh please, let me get just a little bit of sleep...

Hola everyone, it's been a few months hasn't it? Jon and I got married two months ago, moved up here to beautiful Idaho and are waiting for Jon to start school next week. Life would be great if it weren't for the pain problems I've been having since about a week after the wedding. We got home from the honeymoon (in disneyland) and suddenly I'm a cripple! We are going to a doctor now that is taking good care of me, we should have some test results back by monday, here is hoping for good news!

I'm sort of on writer's block now but I'm hoping that once Jon starts school and I get a part time job I'll have time to sit down at my computer without interuptions and start my original fiction!! I know this update has been a little crazy, sorry about that. I'll try to be better as time goes on. For now, here are some wedding pics.

( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. )

As I said before, this is unofficial and just for laughs. This story was written for Jon... the Garion to my Ce'Nedra. I can see a scene very much like this in our future. *laughs*

Title: The Matter of Mussing
Fandom: Belgariad/Mallorean (book series)
Characters: Garion/Ce'Nedra Borune
Prompt: #96 Writers choice
Word Count: 1,382
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Garion is lost in thought about Ce'Nedra's offer to 'muss' her in the future...
A/N: Warnings: Teen hormones :D

( The_Matter_of_Mussing )

I decided to do FF100 for the couple of Garion/Ce'Nedra from the David Eddings series "The Belgariad" and "The Mallorean." I figured I could find 100 short stories for the couple between these 12 books. The first one wasn't that great, so bear with me. I haven't ever done anything but HP fan-fic before.

Title: Kidnapped
Fandom: Belgariad/Mallorean (book series)
Characters: Garion/Ce'Nedra Borune
Prompt: #78 Where?
Word Count: 705
Rating: G
Summary: Ce'Nedra finds Garion missing after an argument.
A/N: Warnings: none

( Kidnapped )

Well... first of all, Merry Christmas to everyone! Secondly, I had a very interesting weekend off of work. I left on Friday at half day so that I could travel out to Colorado and make it before the weather hit. I did make it, so that was a very good thing.

I guess the place to start with is the fact that I stayed with Jon and his family for the weekend. He and I were exchanging gifts for the first time in 3 years. I made him a huge blue fleece blanket with the tied up edges, which he loved. He got me a Monster book of Monsters plushie, and a shirt. It's the shirt that really starts the story I guess. A few weeks ago he made this huge deal of this super secret present that he had gotten me. My mom got to know what it was and she was absolutely thrilled. The shirt says: I (heart) my geek. As of a month ago there was nothing between Jon and I that I knew of. Suddenly he tells me that he loves me and my life has been a whirlwind ever since.

Friday night we cuddled under his new blanket and watched "Whispers of the Heart" (which I am going to try and find asap, because it was awesome). He actually kissed me too. He hasn't kissed me in almost 3 years, so I was a little surprised. Saturday and Sunday were just as good, he kept introducing me to everyone as his girlfriend.

I can't say I'm not stunned by this interesting turn of events... but I'm not going to fight against it either. If he is willing to show me some affection and attempt to be the man I need then I can ignore the fact that he didn't formally ask me out. That's a little detail right? Anyway, he is coming out for New Years on Friday, I can't wait!!!

Title: What's left of me
Fandom: Harry Potter (book)
Characters: Hannah Abbott/George Weasley
Prompt: #72 Fixed
Word Count: 2739
Rating: PG-13
Summary: George is reflecting on the year since Fred's death and the one person that was his saving grace...
A/N: Warnings: Mild sexual references, AU

( What's_Left_of_Me )

So it didn't work out moving out... my roommate screwed me over and decided to move out of state. I moved back in with mom and dad last saturday. Isn't it wonderful? *groans*

In other news, I went on a date with Jon last night. Let's jst say things are officially over. There is absolutely nothing there at all. I would have had more fun with Sarah or Sean or even Kim (Sean's roommate). The movie was awesome though, I think everyone should go and see it... Stardust. YAY!!

Sean and I have been hanging out a lot, and I mean a lot. In the past two weeks I spent: Sunday lunch, Sunday evening, Monday evening, Wednesday evening, Friday evening (one week), Monday evening, Tuesday evening and Thursday evening (second week).

I never even spent that much time with him when we were dating. For some reason he and I are moving slowly from friends to more which I am not sure about. He actually kissed me on Thursday to give me something to think about on my date with Jon. I am torn between confusion and elation. Unfortunately I am sore too, we were swimming Thursday and we were a bit rough. Now everyone thinks he is beating me. I have bruises on my shoulders, one of my upper arms... and then somewhere else *blushes*. Anyways, I'm not sure what is going on with us, but I will let you all know.

I did get a new job also, I started working at an Optometrist office at the beginning of July. I love it!!!